Great decisions require clear non-negotiables

We all suffer at times from our poor choices. The causes can be diverse, as we discussed in this recent post on Owning your Decisions. Sometimes we ignore important information – other times we fail to consider a broad enough range of options.  But a surefire way to make a decision you’ll regret is to fail to establish and stick to clear non-negotiables. Great decisions require clear ‘non-negotiables’.

Understanding non-negotiables

Non-negotiables are those things on which we will refuse to budge. 

‘I would never date a person who speaks to me disrespectfully.’

          ‘I won’t work for a manager who lacks integrity.’

‘I will only hire employees who share my team’s values and vision.’

           ‘I will never do my grocery shopping when I’m hungry.’ (I’ve learned that one the hard way!)

If you’re facing an important decision, take some time to consider your non-negotiables. For example, if you’re purchasing a home you might consider:

Price: This might be particularly important if you’re attending an auction where emotions can cloud your thinking. You might set yourself a maximum price that reflects your budget and your financial priorities. 

Location: It’s likely you’ll consider the neighbourhood and the house’s proximity to schools, work, health care or family.

Size: While you might like the idea of a sprawling mansion, you’ll most likely consider what rooms and spaces you really need.

Helpfully, real estate websites generally provide you with a set of search parameters that allow you to establish these kind of non-negotiables. 

Do those sound reasonable to you? Sometimes people will set non-negotiables that will feel jarring. How about the following?

‘I would never date someone who isn’t rich.’

‘I would never live in a multicultural neighbourhood.’

Our reaction to a person’s non-negotiables tells us something about our own values. Non-negotiables generally reflect the things that matter to us. When we reflect on them, we can identify what our values are, such as respect, integrity, self-control, financial security and wealth.

The value of non-negotiables

And when we set non-negotiables correctly, they can be a great compass for decision making. But when we ignore them – or apply standards that don’t align with our values – they can leave us feeling deeply dissatisfied with our decisions.

The principle is to focus on what you must have and what you won’t put up with. Don’t confuse non-negotiables with the ‘nice-to-haves’ – you can consider those at a separate stage in your decision making. Make sure your non-negotiables are reasonable and realistic. You might want a partner with the looks of Henry Cavill and the brains of Stephen Hawking, but if such a person exists, you can be sure that there will be stiff competition for their affections. 

So that’s the concept of non-negotiables. But why do we sometimes ignore those things that are so important? Here’s three reasons.

Sometimes we’re desperate

The fear of going without can push us to grab any available choice. That careful evaluation of a potential partner’s character and values dwindles to a quick pulse check. ‘Alive? That’ll do me.’ 

But as many people will tell you, it’s usually better to go without than to choose a problem. How many lonely single people have, in desperation, ignored their non-negotiables and made poor relationship choices that have had devastating consequences? How many employers, desperate to fill a vacant position at work, have settled for hiring someone who was never going to be a good fit for the role? And how many online shoppers have been lured into buying something they don’t need by the warning: ‘Hurry – stocks are limited!’?

Sometimes we lack the courage of our convictions

I think we’d all like to imagine that we have the moral strength of Atticus Finch, the courageous lawyer in ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’. Atticus bravely defended the innocent black man Tom Robinson against the hatred and ignorance of his community (check out this article if you’re interested in reading more about Atticus’ virtues). 

In reality, we sometimes cave under the pressure of people who see the world differently to us. Of course that doesn’t mean other people’s opinions are not worth listening to – we should never ignore the views of trusted advisers who we know are both wise and courageous (see Vetting your advisers). Just make sure you consider what you really value and care about, and acknowledge that when your friends’ advice doesn’t resonate with you, it may be because their values are different to yours.

Sometimes we’re distracted by shiny things

At my work, we joke about how certain people are, like kittens or puppies, easily distracted by shiny things. Rather than putting their heads down and working on something important, they quickly lose interest unless their portfolio is dynamic and of high interest to senior management. I think we can all encounter this challenge when it comes to decision making. We ignore those criteria that were important to us in our rational moments when the shiny thing appears. We overlook the fact the guy is a jerk because he’s so good looking and well dressed. We ignore the terrible reputation of the manager and the unsuitability of the job itself because the salary is twenty thousand more than we’re currently being paid.

The exception to the rule

There are times when we might have to set aside our non-negotiables. If we’re out of work and we desperately need to pay the bills, we might have to grab whatever work is available. But if we’re ignoring a non-negotiable, we’d better do so with our eyes wide open to the implications and challenges we will face. Am I prepared to handle the fact that my new boss doesn’t value employee wellbeing or encourage a healthy work-life balance? Am I okay that my new partner does not want to start a family in the future? Most importantly, I have to be able to accept that I don’t have the power to change other people’s values and behaviours to change a questionable choice into an awesome one.

What do you think? Do you have some clear guidelines and non-negotiables that guide your big decisions? How did you shape them? Have FOMO, peer pressure or shiny things ever sidelined your non-negotiables? I’d love to hear what you think – drop your comments in the box below – and remember to judge well!